I Mustache You to Come Back After You're More Stylish

By chameleonskyes. Art by chameleonskyes.

Some of us are having trouble gaining access to the fashionable Lumiose Boutique. While everyone else is busy grooming their Furfrou or buying unnecessary Mega stones, the most refined of us know which Pokémon are the real deal. Don't waste your PokéBalls: for those of you looking to be fabulous beyond Lumiose standards, here is a list of the Pokémon with best facial hair.

Alakazam

With an IQ of 5,000 and an infinitely dividing supply of brain cells, Alakazam is perhaps the most intelligent Pokémon around. Certainly, that shows in its appearance: it always looks sharp with such a smart mustache. As one of the first Pokémon with prominent facial hair, it set the standard for the future: clearly, mustaches are undeniably classy.

With the discovery of Alakazite, Alakazam's amazing mustache can now become a mega-amazing mustache with a bonus beard. The fantastic mustache, previously yellow, now gains significant length and becomes silver with wisdom. It is currently unknown whether beard quality is related to spoon number or waist circumference.

Swalot

Swalot is the long-lost cousin of Muk who went on a trip to Lumiose for two Generations and is now a permanent resident of Kalos. It's difficult to fully describe the attractiveness of Swalot, but even certain Team Flare grunts keep their own Swalot, and Team Flare seeks to make a beautiful world (or at least that's what they say). Needless to say, Swalot embodies the Kalos ideal of fashion.

Although Swalot is often considered a subpar version of Muk, it is clearly superior in appearance. Consider the slender, curved mustache, and notice the sweater vest pattern on its body; don't forget the adorable kissy-face! Swalot knows how to present itself, while Muk never looks like more than a pile... of muck.

Walrein

Walrein is one of those utterly manly Pokémon. For a start, it has huge tusks for fighting other manly Pokémon and breaking ten-ton blocks of ice. Then there's also the thick blubber for manpower and insulation from sub-zero temperatures; for a Pokémon like Walrein, fat is just as manly as muscle.

But of course, manly Pokémon simply cannot do without some fabulous facial hair. Walrein is definitely not lacking in this; its mustache is an impressive silver cascade of fluffiness. Even Pokémon as manly as Walrein can be nice to pet.

Kricketune

You can collect all ten million forms of Vivillon and still be nothing more than a crude bug catcher. However, with a bug like Kricketune, no one can mistake you for culturally unrefined. This Pokémon has the talents to go with its looks: it is a skilled musician who can compose melodies ad lib.

Kricketune flaunts a set of wings that are shaped like a conductor's cape. To even further demonstrate its musical sophistication, the pattern on Kricketune's belly is reminiscent of a stringed instrument or a metronome. Of course, the most notable and fabulous aspect of Kricketune's appearance is the long, flowing mustache; the mustache clearly says that Kricketune is an artist, and who dares disagree?

Probopass

At first glance, Probopass may look like a joke; it vaguely resembles Mr. Potato. Nevertheless, Probopass certainly has the magnetic personality and unforgettable appearance to attract attention to your fashionability.

Probopass has big blue eyes, a sharp red nose, and a bush of black grizzliness; if it were not for the mustache, it would most likely have a baby face. It also comes with three extra mini-noses which it can control to do its bidding; it's a shame that the mini-noses do not have their own mini-mustaches.

Samurott

Look at Oshawott, the cute, freckled otter, and you might never expect it to become the warrior that is Samurott. Unlike Tepig, which becomes a positively boaring Fire / Fighting final evolution, and Snivy, which evolves only to lose its arms, Oshawott has the potential to grow a badass mustache and wield shell swords.

A fantastically mustached and bearded samurai—what more can be desired of an evolved cutemon? With its beautifully unkempt white mustache and a pair of seamitars, Samurott never fails to look sharp.

Stoutland

Beardedness has often implied great intelligence in Pokémon; this is most true for Alakazam and Stoutland. Stoutland is a wise Pokémon known to rescue people stranded in blizzards or at sea; its shaggy fur is great for keeping people comfortable and warm even in harsh weather.

The term "facial growth" is insufficient to describe Stoutland's formidable mustache; the life-saving fur is so long that it drags on the ground. Indeed, Stoutland has a mustache you can cuddle with. This Pokémon's incredible fur is 100% natural and does not need to be re-styled every five days; how can Furfrou ever compare?

Jellicent (Male)

Forget Seaking, Kingdra, Gyarados, and all oceanic legendary Pokémon; Jellicent is the king of the sea. Rumor has it that the ships sunk by Jellicent form a castle on the seafloor, and this ghastly Pokémon has no qualms adding to its collection. Jellicent love to feed on life energy, so beware; these mustaches may steal your soul.

Complete with an unmistakable natural crown and arms like flowing robes, Jellicent certainly looks like royalty. Male Jellicent certainly have the flair to charm females: they have a naturally luxurious mustache, something that Tentacruel will always be jelly of.

Tornadus / Thundurus / Landorus

Tornadus and Thundurus are two muscular, genie-like legendary Pokémon that soar across the skies, completely wreaking havoc wherever they go; Landorus is a just-as-muscular, genie-like legendary Pokémon that cleans up after them.

Whether Incarnate or Therian, the kami trio have facial hair that really means business. These legendary mustaches can not be fazed by wind or thunder; they retain perfect shape whether in rain or shine.

Froakie

Froakie is the cute Water-type starter offered in Kalos; unlike the other starters, one of whom has excessive ear-fur and the other extra spikes, Froakie has adorable little puffs of mustache. Because Kalos revolves around style and fashion, we could assume that Froakie has great potential to evolve into something absolutely epic.

... Delphox retained the ridiculous ear-fur and Chesnaught kept the spikiness, but Greninja's utter lack of mustache is the biggest disappointment of Generation VI.

Honorable Mentions

Arcanine

Manes don't necessarily qualify as beards, but Arcanine is definitely regal enough to qualify as stylish.

Gyarados / Whiscash

Some aquatic Pokémon such as Gyarados and Whiscash come with whiskers that resemble mustaches. As Gyarados is such a manly Pokémon, it deserves a mention here.

Beartic

The icicle-like beard of this great bear is almost certainly frozen snot, so Beartic's fashionability is rather questionable.

RODAN

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