Social LGBTQIA+

[Athyestic]

what variety of fruity are you guys i'm the "brain breaks whenever someone's remotely nice to me and i start fantasizing about every single possible what-if scenario" kind of fruity

This is me, I just do a decent job of hiding it

 

[Tenshi]

On another topic has anyone realized how fucking dire body and race representation is in games geared towards women/gay men (even just gay aligned games like Stardew)
anyways this is largely pedantic so I'm gonna indulge myself because I'm the only person who matters

Like you'll get your white fem twinks every genshin guy, maybe a couple buff hairless white guys(I was shocked that FEE gave us a guy with a beard lol). obv representation in every game sucks ass but it really does feel like those are the only 2 options 99% of the time lmao. only time you ever see a chubby guy it's usually for comedic reasons just like in regular media which is a whole other issue.

Hell just for an example you really only have 5 skinny white guys to choose from in Stardew, Alex is more jock than the others but that's about it (women's the same but Maru is at least poc)

same issue with the FE gays until Engage too, Lindhart, Yuri, and to a lesser extent Niles fall into the same fem leaning twink area so that was your only choice, Mauvier/Diamant and sorta Fogado(they were allies) are a better range of choices so -w-
Timerra is slightly less they were roommates than Fogado was so the lesbians won there

 

[antemortem]

On another topic has anyone realized how fucking dire body and race representation is in games geared towards women/gay men (even just gay aligned games like Stardew)
anyways this is largely pedantic so I'm gonna indulge myself because I'm the only person who matters

Like you'll get your white fem twinks every genshin guy, maybe a couple buff hairless white guys(I was shocked that FEE gave us a guy with a beard lol). obv representation in every game sucks ass but it really does feel like those are the only 2 options 99% of the time lmao. only time you ever see a chubby guy it's usually for comedic reasons just like in regular media which is a whole other issue.

Hell just for an example you really only have 5 skinny white guys to choose from in Stardew, Alex is more jock than the others but that's about it (women's the same but Maru is at least poc)

same issue with the FE gays until Engage too, Lindhart, Yuri, and to a lesser extent Niles fall into the same fem leaning twink area so that was your only choice, Mauvier/Diamant and sorta Fogado(they were allies) are a better range of choices so -w-
Timerra is slightly less they were roommates than Fogado was so the lesbians won there

• it's densely political, "fatness" doesn't sell as a commodity because it isn't associated with the privileges that beauty ("thinness") awards. I wish all your examples didn't scream no shit but they really do, there's a reason gay fanservice anime like Free! and Yuri on Ice starred.. what? Thin white twinks lol, and I sadly don't see inclusion in that way becoming any more meaningful unless sex stops selling..

 

[AstemBloom]

It's honestly hard to be LGBTQ+, not only due to your sexual or romantic interests/tastes, but as well due to being accepted as a human being like any other considered "normal", as straight people. Saddens me that after our ancient roots, we still are seen as some kind of "abnormal" and out of the social pattern, even if our form of loving and pleasure is just as old as everything else. I'm bisexual, even if nobody reminds of us, we still exist.

 

[antemortem]

Added a list of users restricted from responding to this thread to the OP for posterity and transparency.

It's honestly hard to be LGBTQ+, not only due to your sexual or romantic interests/tastes, but as well due to being accepted as a human being like any other considered "normal", as straight people. Saddens me that after our ancient roots, we still are seen as some kind of "abnormal" and out of the social pattern, even if our form of loving and pleasure is just as old as everything else. I'm bisexual, even if nobody reminds of us, we still exist.

+1, there's so many eastern examples of 3rd gender individuals such as hijras from South Asian cultures that transcend gender and sexuality binaries that throw wrenches into the eurocentric/anglosaxon limitations. I usually say "standard," but "limitations" feels more and more appropriate considering western traditions have historically been developed as a means of controlling a populace through tight, closed-minded definitions that create hierarchy.

 

[Shinto7654]

Damn, I remember when this thread wasn't pinned back in the day, neat that it is now. Also that it's a whole new thread, but eh, thats to be expected I guess. Wanna say it was Jumpluff who started the initial thread, but memory is probably faulty there

But yeah, lesbo trans girl here. It's always been a feeling of odd amusement that I can trace back realizing I was trans to Smogon of all places back in the day lol. Talked to someone else that realized she was trans, looked it up to get a better idea, and it was like a whole ass dam had broken and the currents took me somewhere new and honestly scary at the time. A teenager with deep issues mentally and 0% love for her own body for a long time suddenly having to grapple with her whole ass perception of herself being washed away and replaced with a thing she barely knew anything about? Shit's not easy at all I gotta say

But at the same time, I likely would have ended up dead or something if I hadn't figured it out eventually, so hey, even if it's not been the kindest journey, sure beats ending up in a river I guess

Feels kinda weird honestly, thinking back to when first getting that realization, and how much more meek and scared and out of place I felt, and now I'm sitting here just kinda nonchalantly describing it all. Can't call myself a queer elder or anything close to that, but definitely got a whole lot more mature and worldly. Maybe we'll end up helping some new queer folks figure stuff out as well like they did with me

 

[VividBunnie]

Hello there. I'm an asexual and aromantic fellow who has been identifying as non-binary for almost nearly two years but have been going back and forth figuring myself out for well over a decade even before that. While I am mostly open online with every group I feel comfortable interacting with, I cannot say the same for real life due to not wanting to take any risks due to the part of the State I am in being rather conservative in addition to having a parent who is associated with the Witnesses. I'm not very good at really articulating my experiences with understanding my identity in general but I wanted to come in to say hello and be happy to be here and hope that is enough.

 

[boo836]

Added a list of users restricted from responding to this thread to the OP for posterity and transparency.


+1, there's so many eastern examples of 3rd gender individuals such as hijras from South Asian cultures that transcend gender and sexuality binaries that throw wrenches into the eurocentric/anglosaxon limitations. I usually say "standard," but "limitations" feels more and more appropriate considering western traditions have historically been developed as a means of controlling a populace through tight, closed-minded definitions that create hierarchy.

The first half of your sentence is spot on (especially when one recalls the anti-hijra actions by British colonial officers), but I'm not sure what you mean by the latter half because societies with genders beyond a binary are often still extremely hierarchal and often these genders are constructed to reinforce culturally-enforced sociopolitical hierarchies. IIRC Hijras often had roles as servants and sex workers, and Balkan sworn virgins were forced to give up sex to have the same rights as men. There are also constructed gender roles that aren't hierarchal, well known examples being Two-Spirit and Mahu people in indigenous societies in Canada, the US, and Hawaii. I think that's really one of the fascinating things about how gender is constructed- there really aren't a whole lot of rules for how a culture constructs genders, leaving a wide variety of outcomes.

 

[Robyn]

used to post here a ton 4ish years ago as a Very nervous closeted baby gay so I thought it’d be cute to have my first post after my 3+ year hiatus be in this thread. All those old posts are long gone so you’ll have to just guess which flavors of the rainbow I am if you don’t already know me. I never liked making coming out posts and I’ve no intention of re-doing it now :P

To all the people who read this thread and use this site as a gateway to self-expression otherwise totally inaccessible: I’ve been there. Stuff gets better “with time,” but more than that, we have it in us to make our lives into what we need and want them to be. You’ll get there, you’re strong enough, just follow your convictions and stick to those who treat you right.

It’s been almost three years since the first time my partner and I traded “I love you”s. We didn’t start dating till like three months later but don’t worry about that. This year, my mom invited both of us to Christmas Eve for the first time. I just think that’s pretty neat.

 

[Alice Kazumi]

It's honestly hard to be LGBTQ+, not only due to your sexual or romantic interests/tastes, but as well due to being accepted as a human being like any other considered "normal", as straight people. Saddens me that after our ancient roots, we still are seen as some kind of "abnormal" and out of the social pattern, even if our form of loving and pleasure is just as old as everything else. I'm bisexual, even if nobody reminds of us, we still exist.

I was almost killed by my mother for being trans, my country isn't usually that awful about LGBTQ+ but I had terrible luck with my family... Hopefully in 20-30 years, young people will be truly free to be themselves because we sure weren't.

 

[GW8]

I was almost killed by my mother for being trans, my country isn't usually that awful about LGBTQ+ but I had terrible luck with my family... Hopefully in 20-30 years, young people will be truly free to be themselves because we sure weren't.

I hope that one day we can achieve a world where LGBTQ+ people need no fear of harm or death being brought upon them for being who they are. For everyone's sake.

 

[matte]

Can anyone help me out? I'm a mega straight dude and don't really have much knowledge about the etiquette of asking somebody about their sexuality/other stuff. I often am pretty curious and ask alot of questions, and sometimes offend people with them. I just recently lost a good friend because of this, so I wanna learn to fix my mistakes. I won't say who it is, but if you are reading this (I hope you are >.<) I would just like to say i'm very sorry and am trying to change my ways. Anyways, I come from an Asian family, so LGBTQIA+ wasn't something discussed much with us. I am in no way Homophobic/Transphobic/all the other stuff though. If any of ya'll could answer my questions, I would be very happy :)

1. If you are a Guy and you are Gay then become Trans --> Transfemme, Do you now like Women? My logic for this one is that Gay = U like the same sex, and because you now are a Woman, you like other Women.

2. What is a polite way to ask for somebody's sexuality, gender and other stuff?

3. How do you identify feelings of being gay/not straight (idk how to call the rest)?

4. Saying that a Transfemme's voice is not feminine is offensive (I think). Can anyone tell me why? Because thats what you hear so why would it be offensive to them? Just a bit confused.

5. For my fellow Asians/or anyone else, can you tell me your story about coming out to your parents/not coming out?

Anyways, I thank ya'll for your help, I really want to amend my mistakes by changing my ways, and to the person that I offended, I'm very sorry and hope that we can be friends again (not just accepting my friend request on discord and ignoring me!!)

 

[Alice Kazumi]

1. If you are a Guy and you are Gay then become Trans --> Transfemme, Do you now like Women? My logic for this one is that Gay = U like the same sex, and because you now are a Woman, you like other Women.

Transfemme is being male at birth but identify more with a feminine gender expression than a masculine one. It says nothing about a person sexual preferences.

Sex is about your body, gender is about who you feel yourself to be, and sexual orientation is about to whom you’re attracted sexually. Transfemme falls under the gender category.

2. What is a polite way to ask for somebody's sexuality, gender and other stuff?

In which context? A person you just met? A friend? Someone you are interested in? There is no reply that fits all but the more you know the person the easier is to get them to tell you, just don't be rude about it.

3. How do you identify feelings of being gay

A lot of people can't even identify it until late in life. I know someone that came out as gay in their late 60s. It can be that someone gradually realizes it that they prefer men/women or just you have x experience and something clicks in you and you realize it. I'm not gay myself so I can't reply this well.

4. Saying that a Transfemme's voice is not feminine is offensive (I think). Can anyone tell me why? Because thats what you hear so why would it be offensive to them? Just a bit confused.

It's just rude in general, it doesn't need to be transfemme. Don't go out there calling people not femenine or masculine when it's uncalled.

 

[Bakugames]

1. If you are a Guy and you are Gay then become Trans --> Transfemme, Do you now like Women? My logic for this one is that Gay = U like the same sex, and because you now are a Woman, you like other Women.

Usually, that just means you become straight. The example you gave would probably go from a man that only liked other men to a woman who only likes men. Of course, things aren't super straight (haha) forward, as transitioning can often lead people to explore, question and doubt their sexuality alongside their gender. It can be case by case.
In general though, gender and sexuality are separate, so shifts, changes etc don't necessaritly change the other.

2. What is a polite way to ask for somebody's sexuality, gender and other stuff?

It depends a lot on context. First, make sure that its a safe space for people to ask, some can be in the closet because of personal hurdles, family issues, discriminatory laws etc. If someone doesn't want to reply, don't push it.
If its safe and chill though, for friends and acquaintances you can probably just ask "are you gay/trans?". For people who are distant/strangers, if you're not in a context that requires it (i.e dating scene, medical etc), it's often better to move on or let them bring it up.
This isn't a 100% guaranteed guide though, it really depends on who you're talking to, how close you are to them and what's the context of your convo.

3. How do you identify feelings of being gay/not straight (idk how to call the rest)?

For some it's always been a basic fact. In the same way someone looks at a dog and goes I like dogs, they realize they like the same gender or that they're a different gender. For others, it comes from exploration, interacting with queer folk, sometimes facing of denial etc. I went through the entire LGBT acrononym before I settled on being a trans lesbian lol. Some people figure it out in one go, others end up changing what they are etc. It's part of finding yourself

4. Saying that a Transfemme's voice is not feminine is offensive (I think). Can anyone tell me why? Because thats what you hear so why would it be offensive to them? Just a bit confused.

In the same way saying "your hair looks bad" to someone who knows they got a bad haircut is rude. for some transfems it can feel insensitive and trigger dysphoria. They know their voices are low, and its something they dont like about their bodies and knowing others can notice it can make you feel worse. Of course, we're not a monolith, and some of us enjoy our deep voices or don't care, but just be considerate :)

I am asian but I'm an orphan so I can't really answer the parents one LOL

 

[Cancel cult]

hi there, am i nonbinary?
i am a male, and i dont care that i am a male. i dont care what i am. i dont care what pronouns describe me, and if i knew for a fact i was non binary, i would take absolutely no action in being refered to as such. i physically couldnt care less avout my gender. does this make me non-binary, or am i something else?

 

[Treble Kats]

hi there, am i nonbinary?
i am a male, and i dont care that i am a male. i dont care what i am. i dont care what pronouns describe me, and if i knew for a fact i was non binary, i would take absolutely no action in being refered to as such. i physically couldnt care less avout my gender. does this make me non-binary, or am i something else?

You'd be nonbinary in that case if you preferred the label, or you could just be "cis in the sense that you aren't super concerned about being cis." There are both nonbinary people and cis people who feel the same way as you.

The lines of gender are weird and complicated, and ultimately no one can make the call but you. That's smth you gotta explore a bit, try things on, try being an "any pronouns" sort and see if it feels right. The cool thing about labels is, you can always change your mind and shift to something that feels more right.

Take it from someone who thought he was happy just being a butch lesbian for a long time lmao.

 

[cyclonez_]

The lines of gender are weird and complicated, and ultimately no one can make the call but you. That's smth you gotta explore a bit, try things on, try being an "any pronouns" sort and see if it feels right. The cool thing about labels is, you can always change your mind and shift to something that feels more right.

this is a great way of putting it. do some exploring! gender and sexuality are both practically impossible to describe perfectly. we just use words since humans like to categorize by nature. if you think you're non-binary, cool! if not, great! what matters is that you're happy with it and you think it fits you.

hi there, am i nonbinary?

with that said, and the disclaimer i'm just a boring trans girl and not NB, i think one identity you might be keenly interested in looking into is agender. i know some peeps who are agender and one of them has described something very similar to what you've described in your OP. not saying it's your silver bullet, but that'd be my recommendation for your next research :)

 

[Treble Kats]

Gonna start on my Pokemon pride banners early. Just picking out the mons is fun.

 

[ant4456]

I feel like I have a very weird relationship with gender because of me being in the closet and it make it awkward to me internally. Especially when I know that, for the foreseeable future, I am absolutely staying in the closet- socially conservative parents and it is not reasonable to move out yet because community college.

Do any other trans people here who've had a similar experience tell me ways y'all've coped with this? I only really accepted I am trans this year, so I am not entirely sure how to deal with it. And my own mind with internalized transphobia at times.

Sorry if this is not an appropriate post, let me know if it isn't.

 

[doublenikesocks]

I "realized" I was trans last week. It has been really difficult to accept my feelings because for years I dismissed them (though all the signs were there) and lack of understanding and knowledge about transgender experiences. But hey, at least I know now! I'm only out to one other person and while I know my family is accepting of trans people (my sister is trans and they have been supportive) I still don't know when I want to come out. One of my closest friends is from a conservative background and I'm not sure how he will take it.

 

[Bakugames]

hi everyone, posting this here because idk where else to ask. For context, I am a gay demisexual demiboy AMAB, no bf or anything of the sort. My family is going on vacation in 2 days and I just found out that our connecting flight is going to be through Turkey. Apparently Turkey does not ban homosexuality, but their law enforcement has a history of violence against the lgbtq+ community. I would like to know if I should take any precautions before arriving there (such as changing my pride wallpaper or editing my discord profile to not include my sexuality). It feels a bit irrational to worry this much about a simple two-hour stay in the airport, especially when there are lgbtq+ individuals who live then entire lives in conservative countries in constant fear of persecution, but I want to ensure my safety as best as possible. Thank you in advance for any advice.

Unless you believe they'll check your phone in the airport stay, I don't see it being a problem. Tourists often can get by a lot of stuff vs people who live in the countries themselves, and youre barely a tourist and more so a passerby

 

[Treble Kats]

I feel like I have a very weird relationship with gender because of me being in the closet and it make it awkward to me internally. Especially when I know that, for the foreseeable future, I am absolutely staying in the closet- socially conservative parents and it is not reasonable to move out yet because community college.

Do any other trans people here who've had a similar experience tell me ways y'all've coped with this? I only really accepted I am trans this year, so I am not entirely sure how to deal with it. And my own mind with internalized transphobia at times.

Sorry if this is not an appropriate post, let me know if it isn't.

In a slightly different situation, as I'm safe to be out to some family but not others, and I'm barred from transition more by financial reasons, but the closeted experience sucks and there is no magic bandaid solution. The most I can say to you is that you should start making moves now to focus on eventual independence. Get through college, learn skills you'll need to live on your own such as cooking and driving, and be prepared to fly the coop as soon as you can. Try to visualize your life as an out trans person and being happy in a few years, and focus on that visualization, because if you get bogged down in the present, it might become overwhelming.

And you are always welcome to live your true experience online. Just be careful, some trans spaces are friendlier than others.

I also cope a lot with art and writing, which could help you. Hobbies are immensely therapeutic. Many trans people who have not been able to transition have poured their souls into music, writing, art, photography-- anything that can give you joy and expression. You may have to work on keeping some stuff private, as I don't know how controlling your parents are, but it might still provide some outlet for your feelings that is constructive and helpful.

 

[Robyn]

Massive trigger warnings for sex, SA, overall trauma, and generally vaguely adult themes.

PSA:
This post intends to represent only my personal experiences as one singular individual. Any attempts to take ideas or language expressed here and use it to attack or question asexuals who are happily living their best lives in our community or elsewhere is absolutely in bad faith and would be completely misconstruing my points and words. Do not do that - if you do, you are disrespecting me just as much as you are disrespecting the ace community. Thank you.

Okay!

First, let's go ahead and take a quick step back in time. The year? 2020, with the New Year fast approaching. I, a woman seventeen years of age and filled with enough poorly managed rage to kill a large and robust Viking berserker, am in the midst of a catastrophic breakdown after being hurt by someone I had very wrongly trusted... again. At the center of this breakdown is a simple idea - that my relationship with sex and with my originally healthy sexuality had become so irrevocably damaged by the misconduct of adults in my life online that I couldn't bear the thought of intimacy with the boy I was now swiftly falling head-over-heels for. After realizing much too late that vengeance against random people who had done, like, literally nothing to me was not the path to inner peace, I resolved to set off on a journey to heal myself and find a way to reclaim the healthy sexuality I had been wrongfully denied. This beautiful journey of healing and self-rediscovery ultimately reached its resolution toward the end of February 2021, when I started identifying as asexual and simply put the whole topic in a little box that I never needed to open or think about again! Wait, hold on - what??

That's right, gaymers of Smogon - you might have guessed it by now, or maybe you're one of the people close enough to me to already know, but after nearly three full years of identifying as a strictly sex-repulsed asexual, I've completely abandoned the label in favor of something a little more honest, a little more fair to myself, and a little more fluidly Me. I've decided to write this post because I hope that maybe, someday, somebody in a similar situation might read it and take something away from it, and also because I think it's extremely important to always be willing to accept changes in your understanding of self, and this story is a great example of why.

This whole thing began (again) in June of this past year. Having been on HRT for a little over a year at that point, one might say I was experiencing something of an incomprehensibly massive glow-up, and I was simultaneously beginning to have some confusing thoughts about my sexuality. The previously very liberating asexuality that I had found constant comfort in for years at that point was beginning to feel terribly restricting, horribly dishonest, and remarkably flawed as a descriptor of my feelings and experiences regarding attraction and sexuality. I attended my first major Pride event that month, and leaned into celebrating my transsexuality quite a bit, deciding to dress in a way that, despite being relatively mild all the same, even the year before would've been far "too much" for my sensibilities - would've threatened the crystalline, rigid rules of the "asexuality bubble" I had put myself in. I would be lying if I said that then and there I understood everything completely, but I can't deny that day had a massive lasting impact on me. Eventually, my boyfriend (remember the guy from earlier?) and I found a cute little vendor tent set up by a local organization of asexuals, and though we got to talking, I quickly and immediately realized that I simply had no common ground with these people anymore. Everything I said felt slightly dishonest, and everything they said felt slightly foreign - I felt more genuinely Me amongst the several shy lesbians trying to flirt with me the whole day, and that was definitely a surprise. I now can look back on these moments and realize that they were the first instance of cracks starting to show in a protective facade that I had truly once believed to be just as real as the experiences of the asexual folks in that tent.

I think, were it not for one additional thing going on in my life last summer, I might never have developed those thoughts any further than they progressed that day, and instead would have simply buried them even further. Thankfully, at the same time that I was being confronted with new and confusing thoughts about an identity I had avoided ever questioning, I was also debating adding Progesterone as a supplementary HRT medication. As anyone familiar with transfeminine HRT might know, P has potentially massive long-term health benefits, with one small caveat: it can also notably increase sex drive. I was, frankly, kind of embarrassingly now, terrified. That fear of being somehow forced to reckon with the trauma and the difficulties I had buried immediately shone a light on how remarkably fragile my concept of my sexuality had become, and how, in my case, it was largely formulated as a means of stepping outside of a system that had harmed me, rather than as something innate or representative of how I wanted to live or be. I immediately got to work trying to figure out a better way forward, deep-diving feminist theories of sexual liberation, queer theory, endless amounts of introspection, and most of all, starting P whether I was scared of it or not. Months went by, and though I became a well-read and formidable feminist, I can't say I was able to salvage asexuality. No matter how I looked at it, my understanding of my sexuality was ultimately broken down into something like this:

• I had been a victim of sexual misconduct and exposure to pornography by adults starting at the age of 13 and then repeatedly for the rest of my teenage years by different people at different times.
• As a result, my sexuality developed in a malformed and toxic way that left me to always subconsciously equate sex with violence as is commonplace in pornography, and sexuality in general with the mistreatment I had received.
• When I was faced with overwhelming trauma in 2020 at the realization I had again been mistreated by someone I thought was my friend, I turned to a "false asexuality" as an escape by simply opting out of the normative sexuality that had harmed me.
• This felt liberating for a time because it meant that I was wholly separate from sex, and could heal however I wanted without the fear of ever going back to the (objectively despicable) concepts I had intrinsically associated in my mind with sex and sexuality.
• Now, at the age of 20, having become more comfortable in myself and much further out from my trauma, just as sex and sexuality had once felt like concepts that would restrict me to a life of pain and mistreatment, especially as a trans woman, asexuality now also felt like a concept that would restrict me to a life of feeling unfulfilled, dishonest, and overly filtered in my behavior and personality, because it didn't allow me any room for the continued growth I was now experiencing.

This framework was wonderful! It made sense, it gave me everything that I needed to understand where I started, how I got here, and why I had taken the steps I did along the way. Unfortunately, it did not give me a clear idea of where the fuck to go from "here." I understood now that, for all purposes, my asexuality was a "lie," that I needed to get out of it if I was ever going to be happy, and that I had been living like this for nearly three years and everyone in my life saw me as something I wasn't. Ouchie. I became increasingly frustrated by this fall - I started noticing small realities that had previously escaped me, like the way my friends filtered or changed their behavior around me, or the way that people close to me seemed to be reacting strangely to my increased confidence and changes in behavior, like they expected me to be reserved and modest. It was as though they saw me as a fragile creature with an inherent negativity around sex, while I saw myself as a strong and liberated woman, coming at certain topics with a fairly unique perspective. I wasn't sure what to do, so I simply sat on it for months, refusing to acknowledge the changes in my self-concept even to my partner, who sincerely deserved to know sooner. I finally broke down last month and admitted I was Having Some Problems in a somewhat desperate, late-night plea for help, where I said I felt "stuck" in a "gigantic sexuality crisis," and thankfully a couple of people reached out to talk through it with me, one of whom really got through to the core of what I needed to do now (you know who you are). A couple of days later, lying in bed with my partner, I finally told him that I didn't think I liked the rigidity of asexuality anymore and that even though I didn't know what that meant yet, I felt restricted by it and I would be happier without the label hanging over me. The conversation went stunningly well. There are no words that can express the relief that comes when you've wanted, for months, to ask for some very small, specific thing from the man you love and are deeply into and now you feel like you actually can without fear of breaking a rigid status quo you've imposed almost entirely on yourself.

So now I'm here. It feels almost as impossible that I've entirely abandoned asexuality as it does that I ever thought it was an accurate label for me in the first place. I owe my life to asexuality and the ace community, and that is something that I cannot overshadow or neglect to say. Although it turned out in the end, even though I'm a little butthurt to say it, that I was just a teenager with a lot of trauma who found a label that gave me comfort and respite, it was still a label that gave me comfort and respite, and I have nothing but respect for those for whom it is something much more. Personally, though, it doesn't work - I just need feminism I think, and gradual, active healing, not to stay outside the paradigm entirely. For me, just as the world of sexuality once felt like a harmful prison, the world of asexuality does now. It feels like something that, despite the incredible diversity of identities under its umbrella, can only restrict me. I want to celebrate the complicated sexuality I do have, and the healing that I continue to do to find something fully divorced from what I was exposed to as a teenager. I want to be an unfiltered, honest version of myself, dressing how I please and engaging with others in ways that work for me. I want to be seen as the person I have become, rather than as a label that defines me. I will always have a complicated and difficult relationship with sex - I will always have needs that are hard to meet, but gosh it's kind of great to think that I can still navigate that if I want to, and how I want to. I'm empowered with the force of several years of experience and feminist rage that will let me be strong, confident, and clear about what I want. To never, ever be at either end of the violence I once saw as synonymous with sex. I think that's the true moral of what I am trying to say here. Always be willing to reexamine and reevaluate your identity, and when the rigid label starts to feel like less of a firm philosophy and more of an oppressive prison, toss it to the wayside and live your best queer life without it and you'll be happier for it - you owe it to your younger self to do that. You never know, your seventeen-year-old self's "absolutely never" may just turn out to be your Current You's "weekend plans..." ;)

 

[Director]

I seriously struggle with trying to understand what I am. For the past couple years I've been trying to figure out what it means to be me. I like to think I'm a rather empathetic and emotional person. One of my main strengths is being able to grasp how other people feel even when I'm disconnected with them. But I only barely understand myself.

I am an AMAB and I've known that I'm not that for quite a long time at this point. Late last year I got to talking to a lot more queer people and started to try to understand their experiences. I ultimately came to the conclusion that I am a transfem. I came out to some people I trust, but not my parents. Notably I felt some minor push back from my therapist when I discussed my identity. He seemed confused of sorts and I didn't take well to that. I've never brought up my identity since and he's never addressed it since. I don't want to address it because my brain is broken. I live off of loss aversion. I must be perfect in everything or I will (mentally) punish myself for it. For some of the dumb things I've done I punished myself for many years. This is also why I didn't come out to my parents. I live in the southern US and while my parents seemingly vote Republican, they seem to be that kind of moderate fiscal conservative. I've explored my identity a bit with my mom in the past (wearing make-up, doing my hair) and she was honestly quite receptive. She supported me for who I am. I very much trust her, honestly. My dad is a very quiet man. I deeply love and respect him, but he does not speak much. In that regard I have no idea how he'd respond. I'm decently confident he'd go with whatever my mom feels, but I can never know for certain.

This kind of game theory is bad for me in every sense, but it's so ingrained into my logic circuits that I don't know if I can't get it out. I've learned to like myself more as of late at least, but I still struggle with taking solid steps forward for fear I will lose it all. I am going to go to college soon and while honestly I could probably get through life financially without them as they don't plan to pay much for my college anyways, I still do want to talk to them and visit them often while in college.

After identifying as trans for a few months and going by she/her in discords I was in I felt something wrong in my heart. I know I have some femininity within me, but it's very raw and undeveloped. I'm pretty sure the only way to figure out how much I actually have and how I want to express it is to just try new things out but that's just very scary atm. Ultimately I've decided to identify as NB while I figure out who I am. I'm just not comfortable with identifying as a girl when I don't know how much of a girl I am. I could call myself demifemme but that identity is very new to me and I'm still exploring it.

As of late I've been going to a doctor for some health issues and she noticed that my testosterone is unusually low for a male my age. She sent me over to an endocrinologist and I came out to her as a transfem. She said that there was stuff I could do if I wanted to start transitioning and I declined but she did ask me a much more important question, do I want to do anything about my low T? I've thought about it a lot and I honestly think the answer is no as I don't have much desire to become more masculine (is that what T even does? Any transmac people here who can help?) but then I will probably have to explain to my parents why and I'll have to come out. There is a possible clock on my closet, that scares me a lot.

Sorry this post is such a ramble, I just wanted to get my thoughts and feelings on paper somewhere. Thanks

 

[Bakugames]

(is that what T even does? Any transmac people here who can help?)

Transitioning into T when your body makes estrogen does give you more masculine traits, but if you've always had testosterone the main effects of low t are health related. Fatigue, lack of sex drive, hair loss etc. Not to say there wouldn't be any effects on your appearance but they would be minor.
Our hormones are important to our health beyond just our junk and how we look so if your testosterone levels do get really low its probably good to do t injections (or go on estrogen?), but since you weren't asked that i assume you're just a little below average, which is normal.