Been lurking this thread, figure it's time I post here.
I doubt most people know who I am, so in case you don't, hi I'm Mr. U and mostly lurk around Smogon and hang out with my GP friends on Discord, though I've been trying to post more in Cong and Smogoff as of late.
Irl, I'm a 1st year Computer Science PhD student, and I've been an absolute mess all semester, really all year, and I don't know what to do at this point.
First off, the school I'm at is pure suburb hell. As someone who did undergrad in a pretty sizable city and can't drive (partly because it makes me anxious, but mostly because I had very little reason to and love walking and can take trains as needed) this is a huge fucking problem. The walking here infrastructure is awful and the area is so spaced out that I have to walk a mile just to get any kind of food; groceries are pretty much impossible outside of getting delivery. There's very little to do too, not that I'd want to meet the upstanding citizens of this town, like the one who drove past me on Thursday and called me a retard for wearing a mask outdoors. Housing isn't great either; while there generally isn't much of a point to complain since a lot of the problems exist no matter what I do, not having a dishwasher has been awful and made it so much harder to eat consistently and just takes up even more of my time.
School life sucks too. For what it's worth, the school I'm at is legitimately one of the best schools in the US for my research area, but I've just come to realize a lot of things about PhD programs that just aren't made clear at first. To begin with, you need to pass 5 qualifier courses out of a selection as one of your requirements, with the passing grade being an
A-. That's already pretty dumb (most schools have a more reasonable 3.5 or even 3.0 GPA requirement), but it just gets awful because grade cutoffs in grad school are super random so you can never tell how well you're doing in a class. Yes, they're lenient, but that doesn't help if you don't know how you're doing at the moment. Am I actually failing this class or am I doing well despite how I'm feeling? More importantly, should I stop putting effort into this class that I'm already screwed on so I can focus on something else? It's just not a good mindset to ever have, it resulted in me basically burning a good grade in my hardest class to the ground simply out of the pure anxiety that I had screwed myself from getting a good enough grade when I really hadn't. Also, as a PhD student, I need to actually have a source of funding, so I also have to find a professor who I can do research with after this first year and possibly have as an advisor. Which is funny considering that the first year is meant to be "focused on coursework"...bruh. Obviously, professors aren't very good at checking their email and they're constrained on giving funding anyways. Normally, including from my experience, the best option would be to head to the offices in-person, knock on a professor's door, and talk through with them there...
OH WAIT
For the time being, I'm getting TA funding, though I'm not supposed to continue having TA funding past this 1st year. I can maybe make a case since I've personally I've been doing a good job (as does my professor) and it's honestly made me interested in lecturing for the class in the future. While I do love my TA position, and it's made me interested in maybe pursuing teaching in the future, the work required to TA for the class I do (which I
did specifically ask for both semesters) is very intensive, moreso than pretty much every other student TA I've talked to who barely even mention the stress of their TA role at all, and considering my TA position is the reason I'm here, and the main thing that's giving me satisfaction, it's resulted in some very screwed up priorities. Speaking of which, I've found it hard to connect with my peers; very few of them are fresh out of undergrad, a lot of them have their Masters, some have gone into industry, some are engaged or married, it's just hard pretty awkward to fit in with people who have their lives sorted out (and are a few years older than me) while I clearly don't. I could look into finding undergrad friends, but beyond the awkward and how I'd have to stay here longer than undergrads would...a lot of the student body is pretty miserable lol. The freshmen I TA for are incredibly anxious about even being allowed to be a CS major (i.e. they also have some bullshit requirements to deal with in order to even qualify, just like me), a stress that I never had to deal with in undergrad and makes it all the uncomfortable to give low grades when I have to. I've met people on Discord, but a lot of them have discussed about mental health issues and anxieties, getting hospitalized, financial problems with even being at the school, very concerning family issues...just a mess to see. In particular, I became close friends with someone who was extremely depressed and attempted suicide three times in the time I knew him; I eventually cut him off just because I realized how toxic that whole friendship was, but even now it's really left an impression on me and I feel like it's a deep-rooted cause of my current anxieties. Anyways, the issue isnt that I don't have friends, I have plenty, but my closer friends are all hours away and I need good friends at where I am now, which are few and far between
This current semester has been a particular trainwreck. I kinda just crashed and burned right from the start and lost my motivation to do well in my classes. I haven't really been attending lectures, knowing that I can't focus at all in online classes, especially when the material isn't engaging. There's at least one class that I know I'm legitimately failing, and this month there's been a few assignments I just straight up haven't had the will to even attempt, so passing any of my classes feels totally hopeless (though knowing my luck the final grade thresholds would still make it possible for me to pass at this point <_<). I don't think it's a matter of laziness, I've procrastinated all the time, but I've never felt a complete lack of motivation or desire to do anything. The hunt for funding an advisor also hasn't gone well; I've kinda realized that I'm not really all the passionate about the research areas I applied to this school for, and have been coming to terms with the fact that as dumb as it is, my passions really lie with making game-playing AIs. It's probably stupid despite what my professors told me, but I think I'd get greater validation if I can just write a proposal with all of my ideas (and maybe make it clear I'm not completely talentless when it comes to research). I've been having sleeping issues too, and aforementioned problems with food as well. I did start seeing a therapist from the school for the past 3 months and while it has helped, things keep getting worse regardless, and something that's been pretty unprecedented for me, I've had increasing thoughts of self-harm. There has been a professor I reached out to who's helped me a ton with figuring out what to do with my life, though she's also aware that I have serious issues. I got sent off to a very specific counseling group today after my professor found out I had thoughts of self-harm, and they and my prof have been urging me to take the next year off despite my concerns of how much trouble I'd get into with the program.
There's a few different options I have at this point. I could keep going on to the Fall semester, but I'd need to figure out funding, I'd need to make sure I pass all of the classes I end up taking, and I'd need to get more research-related stuff sorted out. And I know I could just stay for another year and leave with my Masters, but honestly, I can barely even put up with finishing this current semester, how am I supposed to handle another school year in this mindset? I am most likely gonna be going on medical leave for a year, but I'm not sure what I'd do then; thinking of just finding a job (hoping my old employer is willing to hire me full-time) and maybe applying to other PhD programs I'd be more comfortable at, but that's still work I need to sort out those plans asap. It's been frustrating talking to the counselors since they've been urging me not to think so far ahead, but seriously, most of my issues are based on the situation I'm in at this moment, if I can figure something else I know I'd be comfortable with, that will go a long way...at least that's how I feel (talking to them was like to a wall .-.). Maybe if I'm really feeling it I'd return after a year, but I don't know at this point. All I know is that I'm sick of being where I'm at right now, but I still want my PhD given what I want to do with my life and that I enjoy industry research, so I either have to stick with this hellhole or work something out that's better for me.
I'm gonna head to bed and wake up whenever. Tomorrow I'll probably BS an assignment that's already overdue (if I can find the motivation) and then I want to find that headspace where I can write that proposal out. Cheers y'all, and best of luck with whatever you're all dealing with.