Sorry for the delay, I had to prioritize mafia you see!
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Colonel Sanders wielding chicken drumstick nunchakus.
versus...
The Lance of Longinus wielded by King Arthur
One moody day of November, inside Tintagel Castle, King Arthur and Colonel Sanders were meeting to discuss of the fate of their respective fast food chains, White Castle and Kentucky Fried Chicken, both of which were being steamrolled by McWendy's. Following the example of their competitor, both businessmen decided to merge their chains into a new, bigger chain, Kentucky Fried White Castle. They needed a
hook, though, a product that would draw the crowds.
Colonel Sanders enthusiastically unwrapped his newest product:
chicken drumstick nunchakus. "Everybody loves ninjas!", he said as a justification. And then he picked up the nunchakus and started thrashing about. King Arthur nodded patiently before picking up the Lance of Longinus and impaling both drumsticks. He noted that the chain between the drumsticks was an impediment to eating and that he was not sure people would disregard that, before putting the lance down. "But what do
you have to propose", said Sanders. King Arthur admitted that he did not know. The discussion was in a dead end. Sanders and Arthur sighed and each of them picked one of the drumsticks. As they started eating, they both stood up in a mix of shock and awe. "These are DELICIOUS!", said King Arthur, to which Colonel Sanders answered with an enthusiastic borborygm. The lance had the magical property to enhance the taste of chicken drumsticks a thousandfold!
A week later, the first KFWC opened. By word of mouth, more and more people came to try out the best chicken
ever. A month later, McWendy's declared bankruptcy and both Colonel Sanders and King Arthur were drowning in cash. After getting a little too drunk, however, the two men came to a heated argument: who came first, the chicken or the drumstick? They decided to settle the game with a battle - the Colonel with his trusty drumstick nunchakus and King Arthur with his lance. Long story short, Arthur got a minor bruise above the left eye while Sanders got impaled and died of his wounds.
Winner:
Lance of Longinus
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Rocket-propelled Black Hole launcher gun, with scope
versus...
Toothache the Druid having attained complete unity with nature
"Target acquired!"
Henchman 12, taking orders from Baron Von Scientist himself, used the Baron's latest machiavelical invention to shoot a black hole at Toothache the Druid, who was praying peacefully in the forest. As the black hole was about to hit Toothache and make him disappear, Toothache said serenely:
- Ah... there you are! I was waiting for you :)
The black hole stopped in front of Toothache.
- I beg your pardon?
- I know you are hungry, mister black hole, but not everything is about your hunger...
For the next two hours, Toothache the Druid talked to mister black hole. He enlightened him and made him feel more confident, less self-conscious, more balanced and in harmony with life and nature. The black hole shed a single tear, which he promptly absorbed, and then he cried a river, enough tears to cause a worldwide flood. He absorbed all of it back, though. And then he left Toothache, waving goodbye and vowing to work for galactic peace. He absorbed the gun and Henchman 12 and ascended into space where he ate forty galaxies and destroyed five billion peaceful alien civilizations.
Winner:
Toothache the Druid
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A guido who has not showered in 3 months, wielding 2 extra-lasting glowsticks and a full can of hairspray.
versus...
Strong Jesus
Upon meeting the guido and being offended by his smell, Strong Jesus crushes his head with his bare fists. And then he makes out with Natalie Portman
Strong Jesus! Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Winner:
Strong Jesus
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The notoriously sticky floors of the SkyCity Cinema in Centreplace Mall (Hamilton, New Zealand).
versus...
Radioactive Henry Winkler
After melting numerous women, destroying for seventy thousand dollars worth of electronic appliance and breaking a couple teeth on chewing gum he would transform into solid rock, Henry Winkler decided it was time to tackle his radioactivity problem. The only doctor with enough medical know-how to help him had a small office in Centreplace Mall in Hamilton, New Zealand. Since he was in a hurry and everybody was dying around him, he decided to take a shortcut through the SkyCity Cinema.
As soon as he set foot in the cinema, he noticed that something was wrong. Everybody was moving in slow-mo and many people were not moving at all, holding a bag of popcorn in the middle of the lobby. A child was crying while his mother, five feet away, was flailing to reach him. Another child was lying on his face and looked like he was dead. And then it dawned on him. "Fuck! These floors are STICKY!". After taking a few steps, Henry realized that he could not move anymore. And then he felt the radioactive charge build up in him. He had to move constantly in order to keep the radioactivity level acceptable, and now it was reaching critical levels. He turned a glowing green. And then, suddenly, he exploded, sinking all of New Zealand in the process. The sticky floors broke up and sunk into the oceans where they happily played tricks on plankton.
Winner:
Sticky floors
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#space
versus...
A book with the words "DON'T PANIC" printed on the cover in large friendly letters.
Excerpt from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Page 419470823:
#space
Mostly harmless.
chaos sighs in relief before sending an army of drones to take over #space and set up a new reign of terror.
Winner:
the book