Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[mushamu]

I'm going to infodump here after I researched a loooot of things regarding cPTSD (complex PTSD). Today, I basically remembered that I might be autistic which is chill and all; it would make a lot of sense considering a lot of the symptoms of autism that I definitely do have like the social withdrawal and how I'm sometimes really isolated myself. However, there are a lot of red flags over the previous few months that I still struggle a lot regarding cPTSD. I struggle to open up emotionally to even people such as my girlfriend, I try to hide my emotions when there's danger and then dissociate because I'm breaking down inside, I don't really say when I'm uncomfortable and I tend to lash out unrelentlessly when people trigger me. After that, I did researching on reddit to see the effects of cPTSD on the brain compared to something like being on the autism spectrum and its apparently really similar, so something like social withdrawal might not be linked to me having autism.

Something that I saw that was really interesting is that trauma molds the brain differently during development. I was really sad when I learned this because I thought I would forever have to live with a traumatized brain, but I did some more research and the concept of neuroplasticity basically says that the brain can be molded differently even though it has been inflicted with damage in the form of trauma. I'm going to try and basically re-organize my brain to the point where it can function normally again. It's been pretty much getting owned throughout my childhood so it makes sense why I haven't ever been "normal" even for someone who's neurodivergent, although if I have autism then that's perfectly fine too! Some of the things I'm going to try and basically break the bad neural pathways is taking risks, doing things I'm usually afraid of for no reason, and basically just living life! Life has been good over the past few months since I've cut down a bit on the video gaming and focused more on important things, and I'm trying to get back on my feet again.

Also, I found out I have OCD and I've been working on that the past few months, specifically relationship OCD. I have a lot of distress over not being able to figure out what happens in the future, and it's something I want to work on: accepting uncertainty. It's like how in Pokemon, you can't ever guarantee you're going to win, but you accept the uncertainty and try as hard as you can anyways. It's the same for relationships in my case, where "winning" in a relationship and having it work out is so important to me and the anxiety prevents me from focusing on the present and the woman I have next to me. For the trauma, I'm going to try and keep a journal on it on my phone that describes my cPTSD progress, like my general thoughts, what I did that day and stuff like that. I'm going to re-prioritize self care and try to re-parent and challenge myself to get rid of the cPTSD, as well as the host of issues it has such as depression, anxiety, rOCD, and maladaptive thinking patterns.

My problem ultimately comes down to me not knowing how I can or should properly show my appreciation for the good things in my life without feeling like I’m not being a hard worker on my own merits. Because believe me- I’m the kind of person who finds the progress of working more rewarding than anything regarding fun hobbies at this point. I appreciate your feedback and wanting to help. :)

This is something I've struggled with in the past. I would say just try to take pride in the fact that you gave it your all. I used to do over-analyzing for every single accomplishment I had and it would only lead to imposter syndrome to the point where no accomplishment felt "real" anymore. Now I believe that if you keep on trying your best, then you're always going to make progress. Over-analyzing your achievements ultimately won't do any good because life is full of probability. A runner wins a marathon, but he's technically "lucky" for doing so since you can argue he has the superior genetics, can afford the time and money to put into the race, and may be paired up with worse contestants. If those factors had not come in play, hence the randomness of life, then he would not have run the marathon. However, that does not discount the fact that he won the marathon, and that in itself is very impressive. You can also use Pokemon as an example. You can always beat the best Pokemon players with a combination of good matchup and luck given how the game goes, but at the end of the day beating ABR in the finals of OST would still be very notable accomplishment. I would say letting go with expectations helps a lot and allows you to put your own progress into perspective. People grow at different rates, and trying to discount your own progress using the reasoning of life's luck or the fact that you didn't do good enough will only lead to resentment. Good luck!

 

[Redless]

I know it's very privileged to say this as many would love to be in my situation, but being a large, muscular man is... Honestly awful sometimes

I was always bigger and stronger than most people surrounding me. By 3rd grade, I was taller than my teacher. I was 185cm by 14. I am 195cm since I turned 17. I always heard from people that I could scare or intimidate them, even when I didn't want to. I learned over years to get a kinder look in my face and to keep more distance from people, especially women and smaller men, so they don't feel this way. But I still sometimes hear that I am scary and I see how people look at me when I walk towards them at night. The fact that I have a dark skin color and a full beard doesn't help

On the plus side, I've never been mugged or attacked, I was never in a physical fight because no one ever wanted to pick a fight with me. But on the other side, I wish my outside would reflect the calm and meek and non-threatening person I am inside

I feel this so hard. I'm a 6'4'' man (don't know what that is in normal units) and it shapes almost all my interactions. I never see this explored in media or talked about in the discourse, either, so it must sound totally alien to people who don't have this problem. Worst of all is how it shapes my interactions with women, who are all extremely afraid of me unless I take steps to make them not. Of course I take these steps now but I didn't always in the past, and it wasn't obvious to me that I needed to bc there weren't any role models/scripts for making the transition from child to large man. And of course people won't tell you except the kindest or most autistic.

One night I had a girl at my place (not a flex btw) and she said something like "it's so weird, I walk down the street and 30% of strangers want to bang [sic] me, just bc of how i look, so my interactions with strangers are always asymmetrical from the start". And I wanted to respond "well 60% of strangers know that I could easily kill them, and it would not be difficult or require a weapon, so that destroys my interactions with strangers too" but didn't (this is one of the things I learned not to do btw), but I think it's really true. And of course she didn't even consider it, bc no one realizes it's a problem except people like us.

Like you I'm not muggable and I think people respect and fear me more even in non-violent situations. But ironically I think my ability to escalate is much much more constrainted than a small person or woman. Bc in school (or whatever) if someone ever makes me look at all violent or dangerous you can bet the authorities are gonna take that person seriously. Actually this was a huge liability in dealing w bullies when I grew up, bc "beat them up" is a much harder line to take when the authorities are gonna crack down on you super hard if they think you're even slightly violent.

Really sorry to hear you have to deal with having dark skin and a beard on top of all this. I'm grateful every day that I am a whitey bc I cannot imagine the extra danger points that black, hispanic, and middle eastern bring with them.

Anyways, you are not alone, keep on trucking, best of luck out there brother.

 

[Local Dog]

I feel this so hard. I'm a 6'4'' man (don't know what that is in normal units) and it shapes almost all my interactions. I never see this explored in media or talked about in the discourse, either, so it must sound totally alien to people who don't have this problem. Worst of all is how it shapes my interactions with women, who are all extremely afraid of me unless I take steps to make them not. Of course I take these steps now but I didn't always in the past, and it wasn't obvious to me that I needed to bc there weren't any role models/scripts for making the transition from child to large man. And of course people won't tell you except the kindest or most autistic.

One night I had a girl at my place (not a flex btw) and she said something like "it's so weird, I walk down the street and 30% of strangers want to bang [sic] me, just bc of how i look, so my interactions with strangers are always asymmetrical from the start". And I wanted to respond "well 60% of strangers know that I could easily kill them, and it would not be difficult or require a weapon, so that destroys my interactions with strangers too" but didn't (this is one of the things I learned not to do btw), but I think it's really true. And of course she didn't even consider it, bc no one realizes it's a problem except people like us.

Like you I'm not muggable and I think people respect and fear me more even in non-violent situations. But ironically I think my ability to escalate is much much more constrainted than a small person or woman. Bc in school (or whatever) if someone ever makes me look at all violent or dangerous you can bet the authorities are gonna take that person seriously. Actually this was a huge liability in dealing w bullies when I grew up, bc "beat them up" is a much harder line to take when the authorities are gonna crack down on you super hard if they think you're even slightly violent.

Really sorry to hear you have to deal with having dark skin and a beard on top of all this. I'm grateful every day that I am a whitey bc I cannot imagine the extra danger points that black, hispanic, and middle eastern bring with them.

Anyways, you are not alone, keep on trucking, best of luck out there brother.

I think I am 6'4 in burger units too but I am not too sure.

Yeah I fully get what you mean. There wasn't much bullying going on in my school, I was mostly just ignored and left out of things, but I always noticed how my parents treated me extremely different from my older siblings when I got angry. It was okay when my sisters got angry, bit everytime I showed any anger, it was a huge problem and I was told I had to control myself. At some point, it made me only more angry. I wasn't allowed to really talk or interact much with others because my parents feared I would get angry and lash out, which would be worse in my case compared to my sisters

Btw there is a very beautiful manga/anime that covers this called Beastars. It's furry bait but very good. The main character in it is a timid wolf that is often feared by others and feels bad due to it. It was written by a woman, interestingly enough, but she understood this issue absolutely perfectly

 

[Local Dog]

I lost my job recently and I was rejected pretty hard to boot too. My insecurities are acting up again, my anxiety too

Weird but very accurate comparison to me is Tony Montana. I see people with wealth, power, men with attractive women by their sides and don't have a real place in this world by myself. So I get jealous and hostile and want to have whatever the others have, but the more and more I get the less satisfied I become somehow. I used to feel bad because I never got job offers, now I get them regularly but I am jealous of people who get good, proper offers that are actually enticing. I used to feel like less of a man because I never received attention from women, now I get some attention from women but I still feel frustrated because none of my matches or women that hit on me seem enticing

Like what the fuck is wrong with me? I felt more secure and better about myself as a teen, when I was skinnyfat, dependent on my parents, had nothing in my pockets or in my mind, and now I somehow feel worse?

What can I even do? I feel stronger and stronger over my inadequacis the older I get and the more I progress

 

[ZippyDoo200]

Eating fast food and smoking usually cheers me up.

 

[matte]

I lost my job recently and I was rejected pretty hard to boot too. My insecurities are acting up again, my anxiety too

Weird but very accurate comparison to me is Tony Montana. I see people with wealth, power, men with attractive women by their sides and don't have a real place in this world by myself. So I get jealous and hostile and want to have whatever the others have, but the more and more I get the less satisfied I become somehow. I used to feel bad because I never got job offers, now I get them regularly but I am jealous of people who get good, proper offers that are actually enticing. I used to feel like less of a man because I never received attention from women, now I get some attention from women but I still feel frustrated because none of my matches or women that hit on me seem enticing

Like what the fuck is wrong with me? I felt more secure and better about myself as a teen, when I was skinnyfat, dependent on my parents, had nothing in my pockets or in my mind, and now I somehow feel worse?

What can I even do? I feel stronger and stronger over my inadequacis the older I get and the more I progress

I'm just a teen, but my advice is to not think about all of that. Just think of what is in front of you and how you can do that to the best ability. Your boss wants you do to do this project, you are going to do it with the best of your ability. You play showdown? Do it to the best you can. You can also go the the gym. I used to be really skinny and nerdy, but after going for a year, I feel much more confident like I can do anything. Don't feel bad that you don't have the money or the girls, they will come once you once it all gets better. I find it as a way to stay happy is to think of my improvement as a human being (eg. wow i did good on my test today, wow i just broke my record for bench) Results won't come instantly, but if you keep your head up, they will.

Stay strong brother, waytoopetty.

 

[Mr.Bossaru]

depression has been hitting me like a truck lately, and life frankly just sucks for me rn, loneliness, no friends, miss my mom.. list goes on

 

[yureion]

Recently had a issue with my best friend over a girl i use to talk to (not about her at all, but because he and i both know the tolls of the crossed paths in that realm) and he hide and lied cus even tho they said they wouldnt i also told em i cant control you. but they said "we'll respect it"

a brother tier friend feeling the need to hide and lie for months even tho i told him me and the girl mutually split cus "it" wasnt there so do what thou wilt i just dont like it and you agreeing not to --- bro all you had to do is say you really like one another. that i can respect. you just asked how i felt cus of the ptsd a bit from my old relationship; and we did both lose former best friends to that side of things so while again "i cant stop you, i just wouldnt dare that myself" was essentially my stance.

idk not mad about anything from the actual act side (cus the feelings and bonds werent there and me and the girl split perfectly from literally not much more than a "Talking phase", more so him feeling the need to hide and lie)
as "Brother tier" friends for half our life im just a bit hurt and confused how to read him now if you can hide and lie to me after all this time over that ---- when you KNOW i'd never block ya blessings as your brother....

I even told the girl "I'm upset my "Brother" felt he needed to hide - even though he knew i knew rather than being real. I was thrown off by him, everything else was irrelevant"
All it took was a talk cus it wouldve never been about you finding someone it's always to me been "bro, just talk to me" cus even when id lob him an easy chance to hed deflect.

 

[Ajna]

hi, uh, if you know me you may be rather surprised to see me post in this thread, but i kind of just want to talk and not force anyone to listen – i hope that makes sense lol. i am going to preface this by saying i do not think i'm clinically depressed, but the last few days have been the hardest i've ever been through.

at the beginning of the year i made a drastic change in my life – i decided to drop out of school (college) and work full time while i pursued music. i moved back in w/ my parents and began to save. about a month after i had moved back home, i had the opportunity to be in a jubilee (youtube channel) video about being mixed race. it was an overwhelmingly positive experience and great exposure, but on top of that, it connected me with the most important person that has ever come into my life.

a couple days after the video came out, i was randomly on my instagram looking through the new people that were following me. one of the names/profile pictures immediately caught my eye; they were both astonishingly pretty. i quickly stalked her page and decided to send her a corny witty dm based on her bio. she responded almost immediately and we hit it off. to give some context, this is right around when quarantine began, so no one was really doing anything other than sitting inside. nonetheless, we were facetiming and watching sex education on netflix party together a few hours later. i found out that night that she lived only about 40 minutes to an hour away, so that just made everything feel even more crazy – like meant to be type shit. the week went on and we were still going strong. we liked a lot of the same artists and shows, and we had similar life goals and everything. every time we'd talk her smile would just make me happy man – she gave me a really indescribable feeling. later on in the week she went on to tell me that one of her close friends had recently passed, and that she was getting over a percocet addiction. ik, ik... one possible red flag and one major one – i noted them, dw. i moved forward with talking to her, albeit much more cautiously, but nothing changed; she still gave me that same feeling and she seemed happy and stable.

fast forward about a month of nonstop talking and we both broke quarantine to see each other. i don't know what bs excuse i told my parents to get out of the house, but i met her after she got off work and we hung out in her car for an hour (very romantic ik). our chemistry in person was exactly the same, and i couldn't have been more happy. i had been wanting something serious, relationship wise, for some time, so this was all very uplifting and exciting. as time passed, we were both introduced to each other's family and everything was great.

i'd say we're about two to two and a half months in to our relationship at this point, and she's starting to have these waves of sadness come and go but nothing too crazy. i think most people can relate, but most people aren't also getting over a perc addiction and the loss of a close friend either. after a couple days of limited communication, she called me and told me that she relapsed. i knew what i was signing up for when i didn't bolt at the first mention of "perc addiction," but it definitely affected me. we had a long and serious talk about what had happened and how we wanted to move forward. this was also right around the time where we officially decided we were "boyfriend and girlfriend," so this was like our first big discussion as a team. i left it feeling reassured that she was really going to take the steps to get better and feeling like she trusts me enough to tell me anything, and she left it understanding that i would always be there to love and support her, as long as she put in the effort to get better.

fast forward a month and a bit more and - everything was still great. i woke up every day excited to see her in person or talk to her on the phone, and she seemed happy as well. we were hanging out 3-4 times a week, and it was everything i'd ever wanted in a relationship. one day though, while at work (zoom), i got a call from her mom. i picked up immediately. her mom told me that she's taking her phone for a bit and that she's okay, but that she almost overdosed on xanax. we later found out she didn't intentionally try to od and that the xanax was laced with fentanyl. still, not a great sign that she took it. more than anything, i was worried. once she got her phone back we had another big talk, but after finding out she was completely okay, i was much less forgiving/understanding this time. i wanted her to know that i'd be there for her through anything, but i couldn't do that if she refused to help herself. she explained to me that the xanax was strictly to help her sleep (the intended use for the drug) and she had been dealing with some insomnia the past couple months, so once again we moved past it. with how im typing this out it might sound like i didn't think it was a huge deal, but this one was much closer to a fight than a talk; i was very upset. but once again, i just had this feeling that this person was supposed to be in my life. we got through it.

fast forward (for the last time lol) another 2-3 months to this past thursday. everything had been great, like everything i want in a relationship great. her mental health was a lot better, and she was now supporting me through some family drama. we still made each other laugh, we still loved watching the same shows and now the same youtubers, and we just had an overwhelming amount of love for each other. on thursday night i took her out to dinner at my favorite restaurant for her birthday; it was perfect. we talked about what we wanted our future to look like and even talked about her addiction. she had been so good and even at that dinner told me "you don't ever have to worry about me getting back to that point, because i'm doing it (getting better) for me now," and i believed her. having someone who is an addict say that to you while coming across genuine and honest doesn't happen very often; again, it felt like meant to be type shit. we left dinner and had a great rest of the night; she drove home, and i drove home. i texted her when i got home, and she texted me. we talked more about the future; we told each other how much we love each other, and then we went to sleep.

i woke up friday morning to a good morning text from her. i responded and then got ready for work (zoom again). she responded maybe once more, and i replied, but that's the last text i would ever receive from her.

i got a call from her mom about an hour later – deja vu. her mom and dad are both on the phone and they tell me that they're on their way to the emergency room. the girl that just told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me the night before, and i one thousand percent reciprocated the sentiment, went into cardiac arrest in her room. her 14 year old brother, who's autistic, found her and began giving her cpr while her even younger sister called 911. the paramedics were able to get a pulse, but a good deal of time had passed.

throughout the entire weekend, i've just been a wreck. it's been hard for me to do anything pretty much (and this definitely hasn't been aided by not being able to be in the hospital bc of covid), but today was the first day i felt somewhat human and capable, so that's a start. anyways, they ran tests on top of tests, did exam after exam, but we learned very little in the first 48 hours, well besides the fact that IT WASN'T AN OVERDOSE OR DRUG RELATED AT ALL. the toxicology report came back completely negative, and there were no signs of anything drug related in her room. the doctors believe an undetected deformity in her heart, or something of the sort (they literally don't know), caused an irregular heart rhythm, and that caused the cardiac arrest. as more time passed, we were all but told to start preparing for the worst. so much time had passed from when her heart stopped to when it was restarted that her brain didn't get any oxygen for too long. this caused immense amounts of swelling in her brain and they weren't sure if it would go down. still we waited and hoped and waited and hoped. we were just in this limbo for three days of hoping and praying despite the odds, but about 8 hours ago, after more tests and a second a third opinion, she was confirmed clinically braindead.

i think the hardest part for me has been trying to not fall into the mindset of "nothing matters, anything can be taken from you at any time. why try?" last night that's definitely where i was at. a 19 year old girl who had beat/was in the process of beating a perc addiction, and who had overcome the death of her close friend at the same time, dies from a unexplainable heart incident? like seriously? shit feels like some sort of cruel joke man. i come from a split family situation, so i've always valued family over everything. i've always wanted that picture perfect picket fence family and it feels like god/the world just wanted to shoot that down before it could even really start. like the last real text conversation we had was us saying we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. we don't even get the chance to try? at all?

anyways, it's 4 am, so i should probably go to sleep. i'm going to the hospital tomorrow to say my final goodbyes with her family before they take her off life support. if there's anything i've taken from this, i guess it's that i don't want to give up. these last 72 hours, i definitely have wanted to, and my parents probably think i have, but that's not the truth. while typing this, i realized that i want to do anything and everything i can to honor her forever. we always talked about the life we wanted to live and how she thought that i would make it in music, so i'm going to do that for her. i am going to get everything we talked about and dedicate it to her. wether she's here with me physically or not, i know she'll always be watching over me and i will never forget her and everything she did for me. i love you alenah. i love you love you love you forever and always.

reading this back three years later is pretty surreal lol. around this time every year is still a bit hard for me, but i manage. i spent a lot of time by myself after i wrote that post; i grieved and i cried, but i made it through. it's hard to not let a moment like that define you, especially when you'll carry it with you forever, but i think i've found a good balance. i'd like to think that despite all the pain it caused, it wasn't for nothing. that time of my life gave me purpose and an unwavering belief in myself. if i was able to make it through one of the hardest things life could throw at me, why wouldn't i get through anything else?

i'm still working a job i don't necessarily love, but it pays the bills. i'm still making music (i just signed my first distribution deal a couple months ago), and i met someone new that i love very much. to say i'm happy wouldn't be the whole truth, but i'm very grateful and very hopeful. if you're in this thread going through the hardest time in your life, i promise it gets better. cliche or not, it's the truth, and i hope you can find some sort of comfort in that. sending love out to everyone that needs it

 

[Local Dog]

as "Brother tier" friends for half our life im just a bit hurt and confused how to read him now if you can hide and lie to me after all this time over that ---- when you KNOW i'd never block ya blessings as your brother....

I feel like he had no ill intentions and feared you may be hurt by him telling you about his feelings towards this girl. I can however perfectly understand your side, I was in a comparable situation recently and I did feel rather frustrated with the other part not being transparent, despite them being well-meaning

Have you tried just talking it out with him? He may not know or realize that this is how you feel, that you would react this way and/or that you split up with this girl due to the from you mentioned reasons

 

[BestDatrix]

I always been scared of the prospect of death
but at times it's extremely overwhelming and I keep thinking about what it's like to not exist and all the existential shit
I just tend to overthink it and suddenly I'm spiraling and it's awful
Does anyone have any strategies to snap me out of the spirals?

 

[Light Sanctity]

I always been scared of the prospect of death
but at times it's extremely overwhelming and I keep thinking about what it's like to not exist and all the existential shit
I just tend to overthink it and suddenly I'm spiraling and it's awful
Does anyone have any strategies to snap me out of the spirals?

I can understand this fear of the unknown; as I feel many of us may think about it especially when it happens, or we see something that signals to it even I sometimes do. The best thing I can think of (and this depends on the person) try to surround yourself with things you enjoy or little projects that keep your mind off this topic like maybe doing yard work, meditation, or fishing. These little activities or exercises can help, but if worse case and if needed talking to someone close can help you like a family member or a therapist. Continual thinking of this will inevitably cause issues down the line, and I am certain this is what you'd like to avoid. For me personally, the communities that I am in; particularly the Wi-Fi server has in a way "filled a void" in me when I was "lost". This unknown I mentioned above is natural, but it should not control your life.

 

[yureion]

I feel like he had no ill intentions and feared you may be hurt by him telling you about his feelings towards this girl. I can however perfectly understand your side, I was in a comparable situation recently and I did feel rather frustrated with the other part not being transparent, despite them being well-meaning

Have you tried just talking it out with him? He may not know or realize that this is how you feel, that you would react this way and/or that you split up with this girl due to the from you mentioned reasons

I know that's what it was and we spoke about it - we're not at odds (hell we work together so no one needs that in the workplace) just told him i wouldn't expect that from you when you should know me better.
we're not at odds, hell hes the one who just texted me my week vacation was approved for later this month - just a bit bothered cus it was all unnecessary.

all will be fine, just a bit bothered by it all.

 

[Redless]

I always been scared of the prospect of death
but at times it's extremely overwhelming and I keep thinking about what it's like to not exist and all the existential shit
I just tend to overthink it and suddenly I'm spiraling and it's awful
Does anyone have any strategies to snap me out of the spirals?

My prefered strategy is cardiovascular exercise. I find it to be essential for snapping me out of negative thought patterns like this. Here's how I do it:
1. Pick 8 exercises that I'm gonna do, ideally covering the whole body. If you repeat areas or do 1 exercise, your muscles in that area will get tired before your heart gets exerted (if you're out of shape like me at least). You want to exert each part of your body in turns since you can give each muslce group a break, but your heart never gets a break.
An example: push up, jumping squat, burpee, sit up, high knees (run in place but put your knees up), russian twist, mountain climber, jumping jack
2. Set a "tabata timer". I have an app for this, but basically it means you spend 40 seconds doing the exercise as hard as you can, then ten seconds resting. I like to do each exercise once, so doing all of them takes 400 seconds, and then I repeat that process four times. In total, if I stick to the timer, this takes less than half an hour.
3. Turn on intense music and do the exercise. It doesn't require any equipment so I can do it even while in an Airbnb. After I do the exercise, I'm usually resistant to negative thoughts for about 24 hours.

 

[earl]

if you cease to exist after death whats the point of worrying about it, its not like you can regret it happening to you once you're no longer. Had a phase of existential dread back when I was a young teenager, at this point I've figured out it's a complete waste of time to despair about something both inevitable and unknowable. I just want to live a good life and hope that when the time comes, I'm ready

 

[yureion]

death never scared me (not in a being morbid/sad sense) so much as a life without living before it.

 

[bdt2002]

Mental wellness. Sure. Because the last thing I want to do when I'm experiencing the third depressive spike I've had in the past week is talk to a bunch of freaking strangers on the Internet about it. What could possibly go wrong?

If it wasn't obvious by my attitude, I'm absolutely furious right now. But if you were to ask me why, I genuinely couldn't tell you how this started or how long this has been happening. I'm using the term "depressive spike" to describe an increasingly common scenario in which something, no matter what it is, causes me to turn into what I can only describe as a heartless monster who hates my life despite all the good things within it. Or who knows, maybe this is just how "growing up" feels and I just need to freaking deal with it because I'm a spoiled brat. Who knows at this point.

I'm only certain of a couple things regarding these. The big one seems to be that these spikes don't last forever, but they will occur in shorter bursts, if you will. My best "guess" on when I started having these goes back to my summer break two years ago, a time that I distinctly remember nothing going according to plan and me seemingly having no control over my feelings. Despite my family's claims (because God forbid you trust your own child- you know, the one actually taking the medicine- more than these "professionals"), I've only become more and more confident that both my weekly counseling and my daily morning prescription aren't helping. From my point of view, I think they're actually making it worse. The problem with me asking for help and continuing counseling is that I don't know what I actually need help with.

It's a real shame, too, because prior to the 2020s I wasn't like this. I used to be happy. I used to actually want to do something with my life. Simply put, over the past two or three years I've just been hiding how I really feel both in person and online. I figured that maybe, just maybe, if I forced myself to try and accept a career path in something other people thought I'd be good at, then I could either keep the mask on, or more preferably, help other people not live the same kind of life I have. If I could get rid of everything I know about school and about hobbies and especially this stupid thing called "relationships", I absolutely would. It's not even that I had a bad childhood, or anywhere close to it. It felt more like everything I grew up believing was either a lie or was covered in lies.

...actually, you know what? Never mind. I'm not continuing this post from here. I'm still going to post this because I hate myself, but at this point I'm just going on a useless tangent instead of fixing myself. And you wanna know the best part? My dumb a** is still going to look back at this and hope people quote on quote "care". And for what? Just so I have some false feeling of validity?

 

[Local Dog]

It's a real shame, too, because prior to the 2020s I wasn't like this. I used to be happy. I used to actually want to do something with my life. Simply put, over the past two or three years I've just been hiding how I really feel both in person and online. I figured that maybe, just maybe, if I forced myself to try and accept a career path in something other people thought I'd be good at, then I could either keep the mask on, or more preferably, help other people not live the same kind of life I have. If I could get rid of everything I know about school and about hobbies and especially this stupid thing called "relationships", I absolutely would. It's not even that I had a bad childhood, or anywhere close to it. It felt more like everything I grew up believing was either a lie or was covered in lies.

I had the EXACT same situation as you have it now two years ago. Like on the point exactly

What I discovered after a while in this state was that these feelings come from insecurities that I always had but never really explored, that there's something that seems intangible that somehow triggered these insecurities and that they started to consume my life. Ever since I was in this state, I've been constantly working on understanding these insecurities and trying to deal with them in some way, but it is difficult and I believe that this task may take up my entire life

I can't even really say what could help you in this situation. What helped me was quitting major social media sites, as they only fed my insecurities, made me feel dissatisfied with society and made me into a doomer. What ultimately brought me out of it was to actively have a "stop to smell the roses" attitude. But I know that this most likely sounds like bullshit to you, for me I used the start of spring after a fall and winter with these feelings having dominated my life. I spent lots of time outside and watched flowers bloom. Idk it put things into perspective

I suppose that such periods of life are a time of self-exploration and introspection. You should still consult your support network and try your best to feel better, but as shit as this time feels, it's also an opportunity of sorts

I also came to the conclusion that my time on earth is finite and that I should take my opportunities whilst I have them. I finished my business degree, but I want to start with art school next year and want to pursue a creative career. I never would've dared to do so if it weren't for these depressive spikes and the introspection that these times have given me

 

[bdt2002]

I had the EXACT same situation as you have it now two years ago. Like on the point exactly

What I discovered after a while in this state was that these feelings come from insecurities that I always had but never really explored, that there's something that seems intangible that somehow triggered these insecurities and that they started to consume my life. Ever since I was in this state, I've been constantly working on understanding these insecurities and trying to deal with them in some way, but it is difficult and I believe that this task may take up my entire life

If it helps clarify anything, one of the few things I can say is that for the past two or three years (I'll give 2020 the benefit of the doubt since honestly that year was pretty solid outside of the pandemic) is that nothing, and I mean nothing has been enjoyable for me. I'm not trying to sound like some edgy college kid, either. In fact, here's a full list of my hobbies and what happened to them.

• Hanging out with family: Half of them don't even live here anymore, and the other half are all busy adulting and being worried constantly about their own futures (which is reasonable)
• Playing video games casually: I didn't have access to online gaming for many years growing up, and while I would love to follow the single player side of the industry more, even that side's full of a bunch of anti-consumer drama that just makes me want to quit (Admittedly I'm very nostalgia blind, but also never really had much of a reason to try, say, Indie games for example)
• Hanging out with my high school friends: I'm in college now, but even if I did have more opportunities, our unique hobbies just aren't the same like they used to be (that, and something that happened in 2021 that I haven't gotten to yet)
• Hanging out with my college friends: They all have jobs, and as nice as they are, some of the stuff they do and say on a daily basis makes me want to vomit
• Watching and studying the weather: It worries people when I do this because they've started getting my old hobby mixed up with a severe thunderstorm phobia (pun very much intended), and as a result no one in person takes me seriously
• Playing sports in and out of school: First it was soccer and then I was in the high school band program; obviously I'm not in high school anymore, so there's that, but I've also proven that I'm just... not an athlete, like, at all

Pretty much what I'm trying to say here is that even though finding new hobbies would be a major step in the right direction, there's too many reasons I could come up with to be afraid of trying something new. Chief among them is the idea that I'm in my early 20s and I've convinced myself I can't afford to be "having fun" anymore, especially with everything becoming so freaking expensive these days.

 

[scorbunnys]

honestly at first I wanted to post to rant and/or vent but thinking abt it I need advice to get my shit together, and there's nothing better than just talking abt your life (whether it's good or not) with a bunch of strangers that live miles away from you.

prob oversharing but idc - probably triggering at the end

I just turned 15 a month ago & stuff is just getting so much worse, like I'm being so fr. A lot of things have been happening this year & it can't possibly get worse at this point.

So, right when school's year started, I changed schools and I broke up w my gf right away (I'm def getting over the break-up tho but not completely over it) for some unrelated reasons. When the year started, I had barely any friends but I was generally liked by most people so I didn't give a fuck.

Ngl tho, as the time passed, I started getting into groups and I also became popular (or whatever u wanna call that lol I still find those high school labels completely pointless & stupid) & like, I realized how everyone around me is fake, like, aside from some people, nobody seems to genuinely care about me (or anyone, tbh, but I somehow figure it out more easily), and I feel like I'm changing a lot of my personality to fit in (hiding my pansexuality, trying to be a whole ass extrovert & doing some lowkey nasty jokes here and there) without even realizing, and I'm seriously starting to find this problematic in so many ways. Good thing is that I'm starting to set boundaries but still not done with that yet.

I've been also thinking about my destructive af behavior ngl, like I'm lowkey pushing away the few ppl that I can consider friends because I'm such a backstabber (I didn't rly wanna talk about this because I knew it was going to come off as if I was playing the victim, but no, I take accountability for this) & I'm extremely embarrassed abt it ngl, like while i'm not in any "relationship", I've been actively flirting with literally one of my best friend's gf and it's actually kind of mutual, and I'm like extremely guilty for this ngl. Like seriously, I just wanna stay single forever but I just keep on being an asshole.

Another thing that's been stressing me tf out is school, like, I'm obsessed with grades and keeping up this "good teen image" in front of my family (my parents aren't rly demanding, but they surely want me to be a saint & I'm clearly not) & I seriously don't even have enough time to have any fun or even focus on myself because of it, and I can't really deal with the stress, like school used to be fun, but now I find it so stressful & shitty.

Might as well share that I'm starting to miss being younger (I know I'm still young, but yall get the point). I just miss having fun without worrying about anything & doing my shit without having three mental breakdowns at 2am or self-harming every once in a while without anybody really figuring it out.

Oh also, been having a lot of issues w/ my dad. He might not be the "typical idiot", but he's literally yelling for absolutely everything & points out every minor mistake I make and like, I can literally stand my ground against anyone but HIM (or any family member, honestly), since I know I'm 100% going to lose any argument against him, so I just try to keep my mf mouth shut & deal with it internally bcuz most of the time I feel like it's my fault ngl.

Ok, now I bet most of ya'll will wonder why am I even posting this, and honestly, idk aside from the fact that I'm way too embarrassed to talk abt it with anyone irl (and I probably need to seek serious help), but yeah that's it for now. Stay safe <3.

 

[Local Dog]

Not directly mental health related, but I have and had a tendency all my life that made my life more difficult, made me treat people like shit and destroyed some of my relationships

I reduce people down to their labels. Like I don't see a human, I see their upbringing, their looks, their surroundings, and I make assumptions about them based on this superficial image I have, believing that they are and will act like others I knew who appeared similar to them

I was hostile towards people for reasons they have no control over, rejected and casted out people who could've been my friends and it just makes me feel isolated on a way. I don't want to play the victim, I really am a bully in these (and other) regards, but when all you see in others is a image that reduces the human, I just feel alone

It also makes me a hypocrite. I always hated racism, sexism, ageism, classism, all kinds of discrimination, but I partake in all of these forms of being a jerk

How do I stop doing this?

Edit: Jesus why are people giving haha reactions on this? That's genuine jerk behavior ngl

 

[mushamu]

Not directly mental health related, but I have and had a tendency all my life that made my life more difficult, made me treat people like shit and destroyed some of my relationships

I reduce people down to their labels. Like I don't see a human, I see their upbringing, their looks, their surroundings, and I make assumptions about them based on this superficial image I have, believing that they are and will act like others I knew who appeared similar to them

I was hostile towards people for reasons they have no control over, rejected and casted out people who could've been my friends and it just makes me feel isolated on a way. I don't want to play the victim, I really am a bully in these (and other) regards, but when all you see in others is a image that reduces the human, I just feel alone

It also makes me a hypocrite. I always hated racism, sexism, ageism, classism, all kinds of discrimination, but I partake in all of these forms of being a jerk

How do I stop doing this?

Edit: Jesus why are people giving haha reactions on this? That's genuine jerk behavior ngl

I've experienced something similar to this due to pretty much being a shut-in for the first 18 years of my life and having extreme social isolation; I would try to make assumptions about people too based on what I saw on the surface and just assumed they would be "just like the others", leading to a lack of friends. It's still something that's internalized within me today, but I realized everyone fits into some sort of stereotype, even you and me, even by the smallest things like ethnicity and hairstyle. I feel like not judging people from their surface is something that develops eventually, and some people understand it better based on their personal experiences due to being more social, their upbringing, or a lot of factors. Personally something I've been doing to work on it is talking to people more; I honestly don't interact with a lot of people much outside of my girlfriend and her family on a daily basis but experiencing other people takes me out of the bad mindset.

Don’t know if your case is similar to mine but generally speaking to new people helps gain the insight that they aren't really what they seem on the surface, and everyone's unique on the inside. For me, part of it is also making myself attractive enough to have other people be friends with me, for example approaching people and trying to start a conversation is a good way to try and build the bridge of friendship, while having a sense of humor is something many people value in a friend or even a partner. Generally speaking I've found that if you like to do banter and take things less seriously, it helps you be more approachable to people since it's easy to joke around with things. Sometimes in life it’s important to laugh a little and take things less seriously to enjoy living a bit. I major in Psychology and it's easy to be like "this person has x y or z background so they must think like this" and do some dumb psychoanalysis bullshit, but one thing I've learned is that witnessing humanity and experiencing humanity are two completely different things. It's one thing to look at who someone is and imagine how being in that person's life would go, but actually taking the steps to experience them is another thing; it's like looking at a cake and imagining how it tastes like compared to actually eating the cake.

Something you could try to do with it is talk to one new person every day to deconstruct that mindset. The changes will eventually show up over time, and keep in mind that subconscious discrimination is something that a lot of people experience and it doesn't make you a bad person for having it. It's good that you recognize it and are working on it!

 

[yureion]

middle of a 10 day vaction rn off from work for the first time in 5 years(!!) - closest i could claim to taking was having a 4 day weekend once. outside that only time i had more than a day or 2 was when my dad passed in 2020 (not being mopey, but ofc that doesnt count)
weather hasn't been the best and i caught a lil congestion from my step-neice, but the time off alone with my dog and to myself and few hours with say my mom or whoever comes by has been really nice.
definitely needed this mental and physical break and while i aint doing much than around the house and personal work it's so beautiful to be able to and not feel the "over the shoulder" feeling of knowing "work tomorrow" etc.
definitely helping the mental re-perceive my world and what i actually wanna even consider worrying about.

hell even get 2 weeks worth of pay for a weeks worth of work this paycheck, very noice. lmaoo.

 

[Local Dog]

I just don't understand how people can think that saying yes but meaning no is a thing of politeness, honestly, it's just so much worse

I asked a girl out and we had a fixed date. She told me she can't because of work, I know her work and I know how much crunch there can be so I understood it. But she's been pushing around the date for weeks and weeks and normally I would understand it as her not wanting to see me but then she texts me about how she has a gift for me for my graduation and asks me how I am doing every couple of days?

I asked her if she wants to meet up sometime and she ghosted me for two weeks, then she was again all like how I am doing and tells me that she's on vacation and busy with cleaning her home? What does that even mean? That she's having time but she rather spends several days cleaning her home instead of seeing me?

This makes me feel like I am not even worth an honest answer. Like if she just said no, fine. I get it. But what does this even mean what she's doing?

 

[yureion]

i spoke awhile back about an issue with my best friend dealing with a girl i use to and both said they wouldn't.
yada yada ya, not rehashing but since then me and him been cordial and chat fine when either we want to or need to but dont force it.

today i tweeted something about a "Friend going out lame" (not in regards to him at all, about a mutual former friend with another long term friend) and the girl --- whom he told stop obsessing over my social media (Since i never speak about (or to - in her sense) her, him or them) outta respect to him [cus any significant other would be like "why you obsessing over someone else"] sent him a screenshot of my tweet and he tried to come at me and I first laughed then got a lil tight like "Vro, first off you know I don't do this tone ish you pulling rn, you wanna talk or go at it? - I already know the answer so I suggest you look at reality: We been civil for weeks - and didn't this girl tell you she *"Wouldn't do that outta respect to you and me"* (YOUR WORDS) now I'm not even tryna be an asshole here or play with you, but if we been cool enough as we figure this out for weeks... and she PROMISED YOU shed stop.... wtf is going on?"

I always feared she was doing "Get back" (knowing I'm open she never "clicked for me" but tried to stay nice/civil etc [to this day she tells him she wishes we still were cool her and I, we were till all this] so it wasn't a "LOSS" for me - she went the friend route to try and emit a response) from me just not being into her and never said it cus I didn't wanna belittle what they had even if I don't agree with how it happened.... But even he's seeing it now.
And I kinda hate that for him.

But he told me he's with me all the way through "I honestly don't like how much he's into the drama side of life, she can't help herself"
Me: Didn't I tell you that's why I stopped talking to her when I did?

There's so many good women (and people in general) in the world - I seen along time ago she ain't one, now he's learning.